Last week my family and I took a trip to our family cabin. No dogs, cat, chickens, gardens or work followed us there. It was just the four of us. And it was absolutely lovely. It did, however, start off rough. Without the comforts of home and only a bin of toys, it seemed as though the trip was over before it had really started because all our girls were doing was bickering and fighting. My husband says this is "normal" behavior for siblings. Given that I didn't grow up with siblings, this bickering one minute then snuggling the next minute behavior drives me nuts. Sibling relationships are unchartered territory for me so I'm super grateful for my husbands big brother and a plethora of comforting stories about beating each other up and then playing video games together for hours.
Thankfully, we adjusted and the trip, like I said, was lovely. We had such a beautiful time. And I wanted to share something that I wrote in my journal while we were there...
As I approach the last pages of this journal, I do so sitting under the cover of the cabin built by my great-grandfather. In front of me is a field with trees encircling it. The sounds of birds are magnified here, echoing from every side. But also, my children play around me and ended up shattering glass, which forces me to leave that peaceful space and clean it up. And that's life. Beautiful and broken at the same time. Moments of peace interrupted by chaos. Ebbing and flowing through the calm between the storms. And yet it's all good, even still, because God is in the midst of it, helping me navigate the complexities of life - sitting here with me here, now, but already where I'm headed too, waiting for me to get there."
Looking back at that journal entry now I know full well that it is true - that God was with me then and He was also already here back at my home waiting for us to arrive, knowing full well that when we got home I was going to struggle and need Him to rescue me again.
Coming home from a trip is hard. What I learned today, or was reminded of at least, is that transitions are uncomfortable and sometimes really unpleasant. But despite that discomfort, there is an opportunity to bring God into that transition, to create space between what is stimulating the discomfort and our response to it. Coming home, for me, was infuriating. I was immediately thrusted back into the chaos of having two hyper dogs (one a 9 month old German Shepherd puppy) and two very hyper children happy to be home. Coupled with laundry up to my eyeballs, a garden needing to be harvested, floors to be swept and mopped and dinner to be made.
I got angry. Real fast.
And yesterday it all came crashing down on me. I had a full blown adult temper tantrum. I kicked a door, hit a wall and screamed like a toddler who was told no to having a lollipop. And what was worse is my children saw it happen. And as I broke down and cried over my erratic angry outburst, my children came and sat with me. My two year old, TWO year old, said "mommy, take a deep breath." My 4 year old kissed me and wiped my tears. While I don't necessarily want my girls feeling as though they need to be my emotional support when I'm having a hard time, their compassion and understanding astounded me. They're so small yet their love is massive. While it comforted me to know that I am at least teaching them compassion, it didn't help me let go of the anger. The anger, unfortunately, followed me into the first half of my day today.
The thing about me is that I am 1. a recovering perfectionist and 2. someone who likes control and order. Neither of which are helpful qualities when it comes to being a mother to two children and having giant dogs in my house. Nor are they reflective of who Christ has called me to be in Him. So my outburst yesterday stemmed from my lack of control over my household. It was chaos inside of my home and inside of my mind. Today I awoke with that same frustration and lack of control. A phone call from my husband resulted in me locking myself in the bathroom and bursting into tears confessing to him every awful thought I'd had over the last two days about myself and our home.
And strangely enough... after that conversation, I felt so much better. It was like all I needed to do was word vomit all these awful thoughts on someone who could handle my mess without trying to fix it. My husband is that person for me, and I am forever grateful for his listening ear and non-judgmental heart.
After our conversation I had clarity for the first time since we'd gotten home from out trip. I was finally able to hear God and what He was telling me. And he spoke to me through rubbing my puppy's belly. Mace, our 9 month old Shepherd is a big source of my stress and frustration. He is often "the straw" that breaks the camel (the camel is me). So it's no wonder that God would use this animal to get my full attention.
As I rubbed his belly and my girls came over to love on him too, a gentle whisper blew across my heart and mind and God said to me...
"I didn't give them to you to control; I gave them to you to enjoy."
Most of my days are spent spinning in circles trying to make things "just so". Distracted by my need to make everything look a certain way because in my head I'll enjoy my people more if my surroundings are the way I want them. And through that process of trying to perfect everything, I'm barking orders, raising my voice, getting frustrated and sending my littles to their bedrooms for timeouts and putting the dogs outside. All the while nothing is yet how I wanted it because now the emotional state of everyone in my home is in an upheaval. And it's all because of the illusion of control - if I have control then everyone will exist how they should. Who am I to think that? Who am I to make myself a god?
God reminded me today that the only control I have is self-control. Of which, is only obtainable by abiding in His Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Otherwise, it's not on me. It's on Him. While my family is my ministry and while there will be times of discipline and correction, the outcome of those things isn't up to me, it's up to God. God didn't give me my sweet husband, these beautiful children and these fun, sweet animals to be a dictator to. He gave them to me to love and enjoy. He gave them to me so that I could learn to let go of the idol of control, to let go of the idea that I am somehow powerful enough to rule my household. He gave them to me as a gift. He gave them to me to further show me His love and character.
As God sat with me outside on the patio of our cabin, He too was here, ready and willing to remind me that He is with me now too, and that it is good for me to give Him the control that is rightfully His so that I can enjoy the beautiful souls that He has given me to love.
John 8:32 Jesus says, "if you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
After hearing God today, I can whole heartedly say, while I may struggle and battle this temptation to control, I am free...
Yes, I am free indeed.
- Rachael
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