The last six months have been hard. They’ve been debilitating, fearful, and exhausting at times. Maybe, in time, I’ll share more details about my mental health struggles with OCD, but for now I want to focus on the beauty and the sweetness I’ve found in reconnecting with my Jesus.
It’s so easy (and terribly sad) for Christian’s to back burner the Lord when life feels good, like it’s under our control (even though it never really is), and our confidence is in check. We forget to acknowledge His goodness, His provision and His blessings. Maybe not every time life feels like it’s going our way, but I’d bargain to say we’re all guilty of forgetting the Lord. It’s usually when things take a turn and life gets ugly that we remember our God and go before Him seeking and begging relentlessly for Him to intervene. That was certainly the case for me 6 months ago.
In April 2023, after 41 weeks and 1 day, I’d finally given birth to my third child, my sweet son, Landon Michael Elijah. We had a beautiful, and dare I say it, basically painless home birth. The presence of the Holy Spirit was tangible. I was in such peace as I brought my boy into world, caught him with my own hands and brought him out of the water and onto my chest. I was on top of the world. In the aftermath of my son’s birth, however, I started experiencing a lot of anxiety, GI issues and, what I’d later learn was OCD. Yet despite all the issues I was experiencing, the euphoria of Landon’s birth lasted for months. So even though what I was going through was extremely hard, I felt *mostly* capable of handling it because of the closeness I'd felt to the Lord. But as more and more time passed, the less and less time I spent with Him and the more and more my pain and suffering starting suffocating me.
Adjusting to life as a mother of three was way more difficult than I thought it would be. I can’t really explain why. Maybe it’s being outnumbered even more, maybe it’s just trying to figure out an entirely new human being while the other children seem to also be changing at the speed of light, or a combination of both of those things, and then some. Either way. It was HARD. But putting my faith and relationship with Christ on the back burner made it that much more difficult. And finally, I broke.
Early November 2023. I was shattered. Saturated in fear and hopelessness. The OCD war I was battling was conquering territory in my life and I felt completely helpless. But thank God, I wasn’t actually alone. Thank God, that one day in the midst of my pain and suffering I had just enough clarity to look around and catch the hem of Jesus' robe and grab on for dear life. It was at that moment, or shortly after that I realized I'd put Jesus on the back burner to simmer when He should’ve been the bonfire blazing so big everyone around wanted to come and see what was burning so bright. So from that point on I was determined to reconnect with my Heavenly Father, but even more so, be reintroduced to Him because I had SO much to learn about His unconditional love for me.
Battling OCD looks a lot like perfectionism, high expectations of oneself, the need to be told you’re good and you’re loved by the people around you, performing in order to hear those things, constantly being under such intense self-inflicted pressure, living in a black and white state of mind, and spinning over strained relationships and doing whatever you can to make it right. And anxiety. Always anxious and always afraid. Always just right but never enough. But as I’ve reconnected with Jesus, He’s been so sweet to me. His love is something I still cannot comprehend, but something I now crave.
He’s said to me, “You are not perfect, but I love you anyway. You lack grace for yourself and others, but I am full of grace ready to help you extend it to yourself and those around you. The world will hate you, but My love for you will never end. I am always with you. Nothing you do will make Me love you more or less. I love you simply because you’re Mine. People will fail you, and I will allow people to walk out of your life for reasons you may not understand, but I will never abandoned you. I made our relationship right by My death on the cross. Give the people you struggle with to Me. Let Me deal with their hearts. Come, follow me and tell Me about your worries and fears. I am not afraid of your struggles, your battles, or your pain. I am not afraid of your thoughts, your flaws, or your failures. I will be right here. If there is One Person you can trust, know that it is Me. I love you like no one ever could or ever will. You are so precious to Me. I died so you would know that. Come, have faith.”
That didn’t come all at once, but it did come over time. As I dove into healing from OCD, returned to weekly therapy sessions, walked back through my childhood and confronted trauma and pain, as I narrowed down the people I could truly trust and talked with them, and most importantly, as I dove back into Gods word and His truth all of these loving truths began to settle on my heart and mind.
I have such a long way to go in my walk with Jesus. We all do. None of us will ever “arrive” and get to the point of not needing Him. We will always need Him, and I’m so thankful for that. I used to think if I could just "hold it all together" then I would have a meaningful relationship with Jesus, but I'm learning now more than ever that Jesus doesn't want me to hold anything except His hand. Trusting Him to teach and lead me. Showing me what the real meaning of friendship truly is. Showing me the kind of love only a Creator, Savior and Father could.
The other day my husband and I took our kids to the park. Baby in the stroller, coffee in hand, we walked together while the girls rode their scooters, before migrating to the playground, soaking up the little rays of sunshine peeking through the clouds. And in that moment I was just so grateful. I thanked God for how far He’s brought me, not just in the last six months, but every day of my life. For never sticking me on the back-burner, but instead constantly blowing the flame in my heart, nudging it to grow brighter and brighter through each adversity that I've faced.
It takes faith the size of a mustard seed, sweet friends. Faith that small can move mountains. Faith that small opened my eyes just enough to see Jesus and grab on to Him again. It gave me enough strength to remember Who I belonged to. It can do the same for you.
""I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep. I have other sheep, too, that are not in this sheepfold. I must bring them also. They will listen to my voice, and there will be one flock with one shepherd." John 10:14-16
He knows us. He gave His life for us. If we listen, we will hear Him calling us back to Himself. And I for one am so grateful that I have the opportunity for another day to learn about this radical, life-changing love; the sweetness of Jesus Christ.
In and for Him,
Rachael
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