Truth be told, who I am right now is actually not who I am meant to be long term. And I’m not talking political nonsense. I’m talking about the difference between who I am because of the mental state I’ve been living in the majority of my life versus who I am called to be because of Who God is.
But here’s the thing…
I’m beginning to understand that I don’t know God as well as I thought I did, and the reason why is because I keep questioning myself. Learning that OCD has seeped its way into almost every area of my life feels so defeating. Suffering from OCD leaves me in endless cycles of questioning who I am.
Am I good? Am I bad? Will I hurt someone? Am I capable of hurting someone? What if I snap? These thoughts feel so real. What if I lose my mind? I feel like a monster. Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I be normal? How can God love me when these thoughts go through my head? How can my husband love me when I’m clearly just a psychopath? My children should hate me. How do I get better at trying to be perfect? What if these new people don’t like me? Why do my friends keep leaving? Why am I never enough? What did I do wrong? Why am I so angry? Why can’t I just be angry without feeling like I’m bad? Why won’t this anxiety go away? Will I ever be free? Why can’t they just love me? Why, why am I so broken?
And on and on it goes. But thank God my feelings aren’t all I have to go off of. Thank God I have His word to hold up as my mirror. And thank God He knows that I need that to check myself in it. We all do. It’s almost comical how easy it is to question ourselves in the worst way, how easy it is to forget that we are created beings created in the image of God to be like God (Genesis 1:26). In my mind I think of Chandler (God bless Matthew Perrys soul) from F.R.I.E.N.D.S saying, "Could I BE any harder on myself?" Instead of remembering who we are created to be, we forget. And then instead of allowing God to help us remember who we are, we try to figure out who we are through our own set of self-destructive questions (see above) that we can’t actually answer on our own because we are not our own creator.
1 Samuel 16:7 says, “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.""
Outward appearance. I see that two ways… physical appearance and also, works. As an “OCDer” my works define me. All my life I was taught “be a good girl and good things will happen to and for you. Be a good girl and you’ll be loved. Be a good girl and you’ll be received. Be a good girl and you’ll be rewarded. But be a bad girl and bad things will happen to you. Be a bad girl and you’ll be put away. Be a bad girl and you’ll be punished. Be a bad girl and that’s what you’ll become. Because if you choose to be bad then that’s who you are.” Bad for me meant anything that wasn’t happy and respectful. Sad? Bad. Angry? Bad. Anxious? Bad. Opinionated? Bad. Confident? Bad. Vocal? Bad. Different? Bad.
I learned very early that if I was to be loved and accepted, I needed to perform. And now I’m learning that I’m utterly exhausted and struggling with mental illness because I never left the stage in which I’ve been expected to live my entire life on. I’ve spent my entire life thus far performing out of fear of abandonment, ridicule and punishment instead of simply existing in the unmerited mercy and grace of the God in whose image I was created in.
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.” Psalms 139:13-15
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.” John 15:4 NLT
My identity needs regeneration. Because right now, all I see are the unanswered questions that can only be answered when they’re measured against the truth of Gods true and Holy word. And that type of regeneration starts with getting to know better Who God is and believing wholeheartedly what He says about me because of Who He is, not because of anything I have done or will ever do.
Grace is offensive. I want to so badly believe that I can work my way to whatever perfect is and finally be pleasing in the Lords eyes. There’s just one problem with that…
I already am.
As broken and messy as I am, full of a lifetime of hurt and trauma, bound by OCD and its accompanying horrors, there is a God looking at me, oh so lovingly, and saying, “I love you just as you are. You are perfect to me not because of anything you have done, but simply because you belong to Me, simply because I created you with My limitless and infinite glory. I spoke and you existed in my heart. I spoke and I wrote your story. Your questions are no match for Me. Ask them and I will blow you away with the truth of who you are because of who I Am.”
Truth be told, I love God so much. And I am desperately longing to love Him so much more through regenerating my identity in Him, by diving deeper into what it means to be truly loved and known by my Father, by choosing to walk in His freedom, no longer bound by the chains of my own self-defeating questions and OCD. But instead living on a new stage that looks whole lot like green meadows and peaceful streams.
Goodnight,
Rachael
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