As I contemplated this blog I wanted to start it off with “if I’m being honest,” and then I remembered when I started writing my last blog post I started with “truth be told.” I’m on a journey to Truth, but there’s also the truth that life is hard, and we all are struggling in some way. Titling this post and my last one as the Truth Be Told Series is just something that makes sense for me as my life is right now - a way to compartmentalize my writing. These posts are my private thoughts that I feel comfortable sharing. I don’t share out of want or need, but instead I put them here with the intent of helping someone else maybe feel less alone, less crazy, and more loved by God. So here we go…
Truth be told, I’ve either had friendships that have been completely severed or friendships that have endured serious hardships (some still on-going) a lot in this last year. And truth be told, it really freaking sucks. And I think what sucks more than anything is the fact that the friendships that were lost or are fractured are ones where Jesus has been said to be the foundation of that individuals life - including mine.
So what does that mean? Why are these friendships that were supposed to have Jesus in them over? Why are these friendships that were supposed to have Jesus in them now inflated with pride, the need for control, entitlement and unforgiveness? Why are these friendships that were supposed to have Jesus in them leaving each individual feeling like less of a person and more of a failure? Why are these friendships that seemed like they would withstand the test of time and distance because Jesus was in the midst of it now feel like an unconquerable territory that even Jesus Himself cannot touch and redeem?
My thoughts?
Because of the lies the enemy disguises as truth.
Because we’re human and bent toward sin.
Because maybe, just maybe, the relationship served its purpose for the season it lived and it’s just a hard truth to accept.
And because maybe, just maybe, what we think is Gods voice is actually just our own voice that we've decided most aligns with the outcome we want or think should be so we label it as "Gods will" when in actuality we’re testing none of our thoughts or feelings against the TRUTH of Gods good and Holy Word.
Now I want to break my thoughts down even more. First, for clarities sake, I’m not doubting anyone’s profession of faith and love for Jesus Christ, nor am I doubting the presence of Jesus in my relationship with those people. He was and still is there. The problem was that we chose to see only our pain and not His purpose in the pain within that friendship. Instead, the relationships were severed completely or left in limbo.
Because of the lies the enemy disguises as the truth: Jesus Himself says, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” (John 10:10) This doesn’t just apply to us personally, it also applies to us relationally. The last thing Satan wants is for us to be in relationship with other people, let alone other Believers. He wants us isolated and alone. And he will use our pain and suffering to drive wedges between us and the people we love to get us there. Jesus however, wants us focused on Him and His character so that we can grow to emulate Him in those relationships, which gives those relationships the Life that only He can give. Jesus also says, “… he (Satan) was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44). Relationships are hard. Friendships are hard. Naturally. But when we open ourselves to the enemies lies those relationships become an open battlefield for lies to be fired, hitting us dead on, killing the friendship instantly or slowly over time as it bleeds out. When we open ourselves to his lies, we see the worst in the person we love, we see them as the enemy sees us… an enemy that needs to be wounded and left for dead, we see them as their sin, not the broken, redeemed creation of a good God. When we believe his lies, we stand more on our inflated ego and pride - our sin.
Because we’re human and bent toward sin: Due to the fall in the garden of Eden, we are all born separated from our Creator. We need to be taught the Truth by those that have come before us in order to help us remember that we actually already know the Truth, we just needed the guidance to remind us that putting off the old, separated-from-God self, and putting on the new self in Christ is possible. Paul tells the Ephesians and us, to “Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.” (Ephesians 4:22, 24). Truth be told, a few of my sin struggles are with pride and control. Both of which are detrimental in relationships. I know that because I’ve lived it and am living it still. I don’t place all the blame on myself (I’m not here to point fingers at the friends I’ve been separated from though) but I know where my sin struggles are how they have played a role in my relationships. I’ve learned quite recently that there’s quite a depth to my control issues that I didn’t realize was so deep. I’ve overlooked it because it’s been shadowed in mental illness, in OCD. But for me, healing comes with the acknowledgement that I’ve unintentionally allowed mental illness to bind me and have power over my life. I’d given my identity over to my suffering when all along God has wanted to show me that within my suffering were pieces of my old self, my old identity, my sin, that needed to be brought into the light so I could be free in His Truth, so my identity could finally rest in Him and Him alone. That doesn’t mean I’m free from temptation to sin, or that I’m radically healed from OCD, but in the context of my relationships I’m learning that I can’t live in the excuses of my OCD to behave a certain way that I now know has the capability to destroy relationships with people I love. Example? After a friend didn’t respond to me the way I thought she should, I was deeply offended and hurt, so I asked her for space in our friendship. Through Gods prompting, I realized that my rash decision to distance was rooted in me wanting everyone around me to lift me up and lift me up only. I didn’t have the space for negativity or someone else’s fear. I didn’t want someone in my life believing the worst of me because I was already doing it enough all on my own. So in order to control my environment, I blocked her out. Instead of having a conversation about the offense, I just built a wall. And now, she has done the same. So our relationship is currently teetering off the edge of cliff, when if, for me at least, I’d have just paused long enough to come out of my hurt and refocus on Jesus before bringing the hurt before her, we could’ve avoided walking too close to the edge and slipping. This isn’t me saying, “woe is me, it’s all my fault, I’m a terrible human.” It’s me saying, I’m an imperfect, broken yet redeemed individual who is processing years and years of pain, trauma and abuse that have caused me to respond to hurt in a certain way that now needs undoing and restructuring in order to be a healthier, Christ-centered individual. We all have or have had unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to “help” endure pain and suffering. The irony is, our own self-created coping mechanisms don’t help at all. They actually drive us deeper into the pain as we seek to deny its presence in our lives. It’s why we need Jesus.
Because maybe, just maybe, the relationship served its purpose for the season it lived and it’s just a hard truth to accept: Sometimes people really are just in our lives for a season. Even if we don’t like it, or understand why the relationship is ending or has to end, we can learn to trust in the timing of things and that God will work out the details. Not every relationship that ends, ends with harsh words being thrown and walls being put up. It isn’t always catastrophic. Which, I think, can sometimes make it harder to work through. But we’re told that “God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can." (Ecclesiastes 3:11-12). That doesn’t mean our hearts don’t ache over the loss of the relationship (trust me, the loss hurts) it just means we understand that we don’t need to understand why, but that there’s still goodness around us and goodness yet to come, that for the time we had that person, it was truly beautiful.
And because maybe, just maybe, what we think is Gods voice is actually just our own voice that we’ve decided most aligns with what we think God might be saying, but yet we’re testing NONE of those thoughts or feelings against the TRUTH of Gods good and Holy Word: Have you ever justified your actions by saying, “well I felt like God told me that this was what He wanted me to do,” or “I’ve been praying and I feel like God has told me to do this?” I have. I’m sure most believers have. But before we utter those statements do we fact check our feelings with the truth of Gods word? The other day, through her tears of frustration, my daughter said, “God wants me to go to the bouncy house, so you should want to take me!” I eventually explained to her that it was her, herself that wanted to go to the bounce house, and that we shouldn’t use God to try to get our own way. While God would’ve loved watching His little creation living her best life jumping in the bouncy houses, I wanted my daughter to understand that God isn’t Someone she can use to get her own way or justify unjust actions. I’m sure that’s not the last time we’ll have that conversation because it’s one I still have to have with myself. When we think we feel prompted by God to do or say certain things, we need to fact check it with His word and in alignment with His character. My daughter’s using of God was as innocent as it gets, but for us, if what we’re thinking is Gods prompting causes pain or harm in anyway, we need to pause and question it. Would God say that? Would God do that? What does His word say about that? Sometimes God reveals hard truths to us that sting a little but have the power to humble us. Sometimes we will need to tell someone something that they may not want to hear, but if it’s rooted in love and fact checked against Gods word, then it should be said. That’s not what I’m talking about here though. Rather what I’m talking about is when we feel justified in “righting a wrong” that’s been done to us when really what we’re doing is getting even and calling it a Divine revelation. When one friendship that I had ended, the individual said they’d prayed about it for some time, but that they couldn’t forgive me because, in an isolated incident, I made them feel like they were not enough. Therefore, we mutually made the choice to end the relationship right then and there because if forgiveness wasn’t in their heart to at least pursue, then our friendship had no space for healing. In another ending of a relationship, someone told me to look up a certain Bible verse to help me be a better person as they were telling me they didn’t want me in their life and had no intentions of forgiving me. In both of these situations unforgiveness was ultimately what ended the relationships. Something out of alignment with Gods character and Word. The irony in that is that the relationships still could’ve ended. Sometimes we are called to walk away. But we’re never called to walk away with unforgiveness still in our hearts. If those two individuals fact checked their “promptings from God” to end our relationship they still could’ve walked away, but they would’ve forgiven also. We have to be so careful when we think we should act a certain way towards another person or say a certain thing. Because, guess what? The devil knows scripture too. And he has no problems taking the Truth and twisting it. The Bible says when Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness, “the devil came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become loaves of bread.” But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say, ‘People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ ”” (Matthew 4:3-4) Discernment. We need it. What we think is the Truth could just be a distorted version of it which can bring forth death of the relationships we seek to give life if we don’t fact check our promptings again the Word of God. Pride lends itself to unforgiveness - the constant clinging to “they did this to me.” Those past friends struggled with it and I struggle with it too. Unforgiveness helps no one, especially the person that’s harboring it. Again, it’s why we need Jesus. I read recently that forgiveness is a flow. It’s not an isolated moment of “forgive and forget.” It’s a constant flow of unmerited grace, just like Jesus gives us.
In all of this, what I want to end on is this - the one relationship we can be fully secure in is our relationship with Jesus. He doesn’t love us for what we do or don’t do, what we say or don’t say, how perfect we attempt to be, how much attention we give Him, or how distant we become. His love is unconditional, for all eternity. My prayer is that through my own healing journey I can learn to emulate this beautiful Man’s example of what it means to love well, so the relationships in my life bring life. My prayer is that before my other relationships grow, that my relationship with Him grows deeper first. Sara Hagerty says in her book Unseen, “when you’re with someone who knows the quirks of your heart and enjoys you anyway, it’s only natural that you want to spend more time with that person.” That’s how God feels about spending time with me, and I want to deepen my relationship with Him so that I may be that into Him, so I can furthermore be that into the people He’s given me to love in this life.
I pray this blesses you,
Rachael
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