Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. As I set forth to clean up the toys all over my bathroom floor so I could shower in peace my chest all of the sudden constricted. Fear immediately consumed me. I grabbed my chest with hand hoping that I wasn’t dying any my other hand went immediately to my neck to check my pulse. Looking back, it was such a gift that my mind wasn’t consumed enough to make me forget to simply feel my heartbeat as a way to give me enough oxygen to begin to breathe out and breathe deep.
I stood there for a while attempting to slow my racing heart through deep breathing. It helped enough for me to move my body into the shower, but it wasn’t enough to soothe my racing mind. So I yelled for my husband and asked him to sit with me as I spewed out every thought rushing through my mind - every anxiety, every fear.
You see, this postpartum after having my son has rocked my world. His birth was the most beautiful experience. Afterwards and every month since, however, I’ve been dealing with one health issue after another.
Heavy postpartum bleeding
My children all having whooping cough and Landon needing to be hospitalized .
GI issues that left me barely able to eat for almost two months.
Blood work coming back saying my triglycerides are high, my thyroid is overactive and that I have a vitamin D deficiency.
And most recently, feet and leg pain that makes me feel weak, shaky and fatigued.
Couple that with the adjustment period of a new baby and going from 2 to 3 children, summer activities, preparing for a new homeschool year, keeping up with running a home, and, as of yesterday, packing for an end of summer trip.
Reflecting on the panic attack I had last night that I told my husband “came out of nowhere,” I can see now really didn’t come out of nowhere. It came because for so long my eyes had been focused on the enormous waves of my circumstances rather than the Jesus whose hand had been reaching down to rescue me the entire time. So of course panic would have an edge up. Thank God, it doesn’t get the final say.
As much as I have focused on the waves, I didn’t forget God, but I didn’t really let Him be God either. Since I’ve been struggling with all these health issues I’ve asked God to make them better. “Make it go away, Lord.” “Heal me. Fix me.” “Do something, God.” In those desperate prayers, I elevated God to nothing more than a Genie inside a magic lamp. Despite my begging and wishing for different circumstances He hasn’t done what I’ve asked. So my dependency on God weakened. After all, if the Creator of the universe can make me better but doesn’t, why bother asking Him to help me? Satan is good at being evil like that isn’t he?
We focus on what’s wrong in our lives, ask for Gods help, feel abandoned because God doesn’t bend to our will when we ask, our faith falters, we question Gods love, our circumstances still don’t change, the waves get higher and on and on we sink lower and lower, drowning in our suffering while the entire time Gods as close as He has always been waiting for us to realize that Truth and take hold of His hand.
“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” - John 10:10
Satan wants our soul too. But he only wants it so he can destroy it.
In light of this truth, a friend and I were talking last night after my panic attack about how asking God for help or healing may not result in a physically manifested reply. Meaning, healing may be spiritual not necessarily physical. Even though the physical healing is what we want, it’s our soul that is of the utmost concern to our God. So how do we reckon with the fact that the healing we want physically isn’t happening but the God we believe in is still worthy of our gratitude and praise? How do we call Satan out on his games and send him back to the hell he came from with his tail tucked between his legs?
We take our eyes off the waves.
And we take our eyes off the waves not just once, because the threat of being consumed will always be there, but every single time we start to worry or become afraid. Every time Satan gets enough courage to try again. Every time our eyes slip to the left or right. Every time Jesus becomes blurry. We remember “take my eyes off the waves.”
It’s not easy. But nothing worth it ever is. There are two forces competing for our souls. God and Satan. We already know that God wins the war, but we get to choose who wins the battle of our own soul.
I’m no closer to figuring out what’s going on inside my body, and I still truly do and will pursue finding physical answers so I can get better. But as I wait for those answers and endure the day to day I have to remember where to set my eyes. Over and over. If not, everything I’m feeling will feel even worse because no good is coming from drowning in the waters of my circumstances. With my eyes on Jesus and a heart set to seek Him, I’ll be able to make it through each minute of every day.
I needed that reminder. Maybe you did too.
So I’ll leave this post not with my words, but with the Words that bring life and light into the darkest dark and into the highest waves…
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:6-9 NLT
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”” John 16:33 NLT
“Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.” Colossians 3:1-3 NLT
“Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”” Mark 4:38-40 NLT
““Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!” Matthew 6:22-23 NLT
“Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” “Yes, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”” Matthew 14:28-31 NLT
Love,
Rachael
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