Truth be told - I’m really, really struggling. I struggle with anxiety, depression and OCD. And I have for a really long time, longer than I can probably remember. And right now, I’m in it. Again. I’m in a dry wasteland begging and pleading with the Lord for just a drop of water. Anything to relieve the pain and suffering I’m experiencing. Anything to relieve the burden my family is carrying seeing me struggle so deeply. I could blame it on being postpartum and my hormones being all out of whack still (though science says I should be “back to normal” by now), which is highly likely, but here’s the thing - whether it’s postpartum or not, I’m still here struggling against the desert sand storm that is viciously attacking and cycling around in my mind. Always in my mind.
When I first encountered dark, debilitating anxiety and depression 10 years ago and then came out of it, I thought I was healed. I thought I’d never experience those horrifying thoughts or that darkness again. But then I did. And this time, I have three kids, a husband and home to take care of on top of it. Mental illness was not on my list of things to do for fun this year, or ever again. Traveling through this wasteland again though brought forth a revelation that I didn’t know before I got here…
I never actually healed. I only ever coped.
There is a difference between healing from trauma and coping with trauma. And God, have I learned that I've experienced trauma. That’s not to say the 10 years I coped were wasted, though at first I felt like they were. No, those 10 years, however unfortunate, brought me here, and gave me this truth. The truth that healing hasn’t taken place yet, but it’s going to. Because I refuse to bow to mental illness and its darkness. I refuse to give the enemy the upper hand. And because I refuse to let anyone or anything but God write my story.
And I love that God reminds me of His Authorship over of my life by giving me His word and the example He gives in it is through the life of His very own Son. After Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist, in Matthew 11 that, “Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted there by the devil” (Matthew 4:1). Let’s just pause there for a minute because I have questions… The Spirit of God led Jesus into the wilderness so He could be tempted by the devil after He was baptized. First question, um what?! Second, why would the Spirit do that if He's good, and last what does it mean for those of us who believe in Christ or those of us that don't?
If anyone has ever told you not to question God, I'd like to encourage you to go against the grain of that ideology and ask Him every question you have, because whether or not He reveals it to you, He has the answer and your questions won't throw Him off His game. Asking these questions, I am led to believe that the Spirit led Jesus to the wilderness to be tested in order to grow Him in His faith and in His relationship with His Heavenly Father. I suppose He could've done it differently, with less heartache and frustration for Jesus, but then how would He be relatable to us? (He wouldn't). How would we feel any consolation for our suffering if life had been gravy for Him? (We wouldn't). Jesus was human after all, even if also divinely God, and He, more than anyone, knows what it means to be fully dependent on God the Father. For us, believers and non-believers alike, I believe it means, like Jesus, we will sometimes have to enter a place we don’t want to go, like the wilderness or a desert wasteland in order to come out of it closer to (or finally in right relationship with) our Heavenly Father. In doing so we then have the opportunity to be a living testimony to His goodness, faithfulness and love. God doesn't require that we suffer endlessly in order to show the world how good He is, but when we do suffer, He's there with us to make sure we get through it, to make sure we come out with Him still holding the pen. When we trust Him to write our story, we will always come out on top. We will always be victorious.
It’s the third time Jesus is tempted that gets me. Or rather, where I feel like Jesus gets me - understands me and what I’m going through. The third time Jesus was tempted, Satan took Jesus to the highest peak of a mountain overlooking all the kingdoms in the world, and he whispered, “‘I will give it all to you, if you will kneel down and worship me.’ ‘Get out of here, Satan,’ Jesus told him. ‘For the Scriptures say, ‘You must worship the Lord your God and serve only him.’ Then the devil went away, and angels came and took care of Jesus.” (Matthew 4:9-11) Jesus was so tired of Satans crap. After 40 days of no food, no water, and the devil in His ear, Jesus finally had enough. “GET OUT OF HERE,” He said. But He didn’t stop there. Like each time before, He spoke the truth of Gods scripture into the moment. Satan knows scripture. But he takes it and twists it. Jesus takes that same scripture with which the enemy wanted to use for destruction and sends Satan packing straight back to the pits of hell. I want that kind of confidence. I want that kind of powerhouse Holy Spirit strength.
I imagine after, when the angels came to take care of Jesus, it was then that He ate and drank after forty days of not doing so. For me, I feel like I’m trudging through that forty days in a dry wasteland, telling the devil to go away and doing my best to speak Gods living word over my life every time he shows his ugly face. I’m waiting for the devil to flee and the angels to come. And I’m clinging to promise of Gods word where He says, “…I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed.” (Isaiah 43:20).
I long for the refreshment. I long for those rivers in this desolate wasteland. Maybe you do too. In whatever circumstances you find yourself in, it too may feel like a wasteland without water, where Satan keeps whispering in your ear trying to destroy you, trying to take you down and make you feel worthless.
Hold on. Keep walking.
Jesus is there with you. And He’s here with me. He’s walked this path before and He will gladly walk it with us now, guiding us to the place where the wasteland meets the rivers of refreshment for our minds, bodies and souls.
I need Gods word like I need air to breathe right now. I pray you seek His word too.
Love,
Rachael
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